


only my heart knows my head is lying

by WhenIWasAYoungBoy



Category: Hustle Cat (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Apathy, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Loss of Identity, Multi, Nonbinary Avery, POV Second Person, Personified Dysphoria, Run-On Sentences, implied/referenced eating disorder, ooc avery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:22:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23494516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhenIWasAYoungBoy/pseuds/WhenIWasAYoungBoy
Summary: when you look in the mirror it's her face, not yours, that's reflected back at you. and everyone sees her. your mother calls and mistakes you for her, your old friends, the waitress at your favourite restaurant, the barista that draws a heart in the foam of your latte.-avery gets a job at a cat's paw.not everything is the same.
Relationships: Avery Grey/Landry, Avery Grey/Reese, Avery Grey/Reese/Landry, Landry/Reese (Hustle Cat)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	only my heart knows my head is lying

When you look in the mirror it's her face, not yours, that's reflected back at you. Her eyes are clear and her face is soft and bright. You force yourself to meet her eyes and she seems to smile, the girl in the mirror, and you glare in return. You pull your hair together with your hand and hold up the scissors. She almost seems to smirk, daring you to do it. You hope she chokes on this hair and her dresses and her fucking smile. You won't do it, her smile says. You refuse to break eye contact as your hair falls into the sink.

She's still there, you know. She's ever present in the quick glimpses of yourself you catch in cars driving by or in your cat's eyes or when you look down at yourself when half-asleep. You stare at your face in the mirror with the lights down low and the blinds shut and you think - you hope - that you've lost her. Then you catch sight of the slight roundness of her jaw and you see her hips and her thighs and her breasts (her fucking breasts) and she gives you that smile that tells you she'll never leave.

Everyone sees her. Your mother calls and mistakes you for her, your old friends, the waitress at your favourite restaurant, the barista that draws a heart in the foam of your latte. They think you're her and she loves it. 

You know you need a job but you can't bear people seeing her, people wanting her, preferring her. So you lie and say you're looking (lie to your mother, who wants her, not you. Lie to your aunt, who you think gets it but she's gone - you hardly saw her as she threw you the keys for her apartment as she rushed out of the door). But you go out, layers upon layers atop you, trying to escape her grasp. The few people you pass barely glance at you but you know they'd only see her anyway. You see a 'help wanted' sign in a large storefront in a quiet street and you take a breath, square your shoulders (too round - her shoulders), and enter.

He's tall and nice and so loud to your ears but for once he almost seems to see you. He's hesitant when you probe about the work and you can hear her laughing, see her fingers as you reach forwards for a cup, see her curves as you look down bashfully as he laughs at a joke, but he doesn't seem to notice. And you ask for an interview and he looks worriedworiedworried and you hunch your shoulders trying not to hear her voice as she whispers  _ I told you so _ . But he calls down the manager anyway and he stares too but for once you stare back and he quotes a short story at you and you want to finish it off or quote another but you're scaredscaredscared that it won't be your voice (or maybe you're scared that it will be and he'll turn you away). But you have an interview and a coffee and he makes you laugh and calls you interesting (and you know it's not her he's saying that to, it's you) and the next thing you know he's offering you a stack of paperwork and a job and you smile, even as she grips you harder, tighter, whispering furiously in your ear. You fill out your details but pause at the four little checkboxes in front of you. You stare and stare and stare and you see her hands gripping the pen, her hands moving towards that little box that will give her power - so much fucking power - over you. But he shifts in his seat and you meet his gaze and he smiles. And you look back down and her hand is gone and she is so fucking furious, her voice growing louder and louder as you move your hand and tick the box and then she's silent, silent, so fucking silent that you think you could hear your mother puttering around in the kitchen in the next state. And your head feels so light and it's you, you know it's you (at least for now) and you rush through the rest of the paperwork, wanting to spend as much time as possible without her. He waves you off and you go downstairs and the other man is waiting and you wonder if he knows. He smiles at you but he still seems so worried, moreso when you tell him you start tomorrow and you feel yourself freeze and you think you catch a glimpse of her in the large glass window but then he smiles at you (at  _ you _ ) and she's gone. And he still looks slightly uneasy but you feel light enough to let yourself think that it's not because of you. He gives you another smile and a name before sending you on your way.

( _ Landry, Landry, Landry _ repeats in your brain for the rest of the night - and even her return isn't enough to completely wipe the smile from your face.)

* * *

So you start your new job and make your introductions, the whole time tense, waiting for the other shoe to drop. She's quieter here than she is at home but you still see her when you move too fast or when your new coworkers look at you too closely. You're stiff, so stiff and the flash of a camera as you slowly go to shake someone's hand makes you want to scream. You freeze up and you can feel them looking at you again but you turn to the girl with the phone in her hand and she at least looks apologetic so you force a smile her way and stick out your- her hand towards the girl. 

Then in a blink the introductions are over and you're being shepherded to a seat and you can see the girl with the phone (Finley, your brain reminds you) hovering like she wants to ask you something. Your blood goes cold and you quickly sit, curled in on yourself.  _ She _ begins to laugh as food is brought out, and the fingers digging nails into your palms are looking less like yours and more like hers. Breakfast is a frenzy and no one pays you much attention in the initial rush and you're glad of it. Food is her relm, not yours. You're scared if you eat they'll notice what's wrong (you're wrong) and if you eat then all the damned softness will come back and she'll have you again. So you push your food around your plate and answer Finley's cheerful questions and you cut your food into tiny pieces and you joke with Landry about a new movie and you hide food in a napkin and you quiz Reese about the cats. You try to ignore the steady, insistent gaze on you. You glance up once and it's the tough-looking woman, Mason. You can feel her looking at you even as you field off some of Finley's more invasive questions, and you can feel her gaze on your plate. You swallow hard and force a smile at her and brush off Finley to ask questions about the food. She still looks unimpressed but at least she doesn't look curious. Reese asks to talk to you and you freeze up, you had forgotten yourself, in the chatter and the laughter and you can feel  _ her _ smiling as he looks you up and down and talks about 'appearances'. Landry picks up on your discomfort and tells him to knock it off but you barely hear him over the sound of her laughter and the steady scrape of your cutlery against the plate. 

It's fine. It's fine, it's fine, it's finefinefine. You fidget and your breathing isn't as steady as it should be but it's fine. You're fine. Reese says something else about appearances and you glance down at yourself and all you can see is her. Your hips look too wide and you feel sick. Your eyes are wet when you look back at Reese and you think you see him take a step back, wide-eyed, and you flush red. Now that he's seen her, he can't bear to be near you. You shake your head and duck into the kitchen, muttering something about helping with clean-up as her laughter rings in your ears.

(You miss the worried look Reese and Landry share as the door swings shut behind you.)

Mason and Hayes are quiet and barely look at you. You appreciate that. She doesn't. Mason tells you what she needs you to do and you do it, flashing a smile that feels far too tight in her direction when she makes a gruff joke about the flattened boxes. You hurry into the alley behind the cafe and  _ breathe _ . The day hasn't even properly started yet and you're already halfway to tears. You glance at the door back into the cafe and immediately flinch back as she grins at you. You screw your eyes shut and take long, deep breaths, hoping to god that no one comes out to check on you. 

You push your way back inside with a plastered on smile, trying to ignore the measuring look Mason gives you or the way Landry refuses to leave your side all day (even as he gets more and more nervous as you quiz him on that bobtail cat). 

And you leave the cafe and see the cats and you go to follow after them but you're just so tired and the bobtail gives you an almost pitying look as you pass it and you swear you feel multiple pairs of eyes on your back as you walk away but when you muster up the energy to turn it's just an empty street. And you can't even find it in yourself to jump when you hear a distinctly human voice in your apartment, Mochi staring up at you when you look in the direction of it. You just sigh and do the rest of the canned food as instructed and wrap yourself up in the covers of your aunt's double bed.

And in the morning your face itches, yeah, and you can feel something brush against your hand when you push some hair behind your ear but it isn't until Mochi wails at you, winding round your feet in the direction of the bathroom, that you give in (give up). You carefully pull the card off the mirror and swallow hard. And she's there in the mirror (because why wouldn't she be) but you can't bring yourself to care much as you stare at the whisker protruding from your cheek. Even she looks surprised, her voice quiet for once and after you blink it's like she was never there and it's you again in the mirror and it's you, not her, staring in surprise at the newest feature on your face.

You make your way to the cafe in a daze and try to avoid the dozens of people milling about in front, feeling their curious glances on your back. The rational part of you knows that they're obviously waiting for something, but she spends the whole time whispering in your ears that  _ they know _ . That they've seen you and found you lacking and now they're waiting for her. You soldier through, pausing only momentarily to catch the whisker as it falls off of your face as you reach the doors. You duck inside and then stand there, unsure. Landry waves at you, rambling about Jelly Donut and publicity, only stopping when you hold up the whisker. He squints at it then his face drops and he's apologising and the other's are coming out and Finley is squealing and Reese is rolling his eyes and cutting into Landry's explanation and you are numb. You are quiet and still and numb as you stand there. As they talk loudly around you, as Mason stares at you, her eyes too knowing, as Hayes appears out of nowhere and carefully pushes a cup of tea into your hands. You force a smile and take a sip of tea and push the whisker in your pocket, all the motions slightly too fast and slightly too awkward for comfort but you brush past it and let Finley tell you about her blog and the origins of Jelly Donut and you pretend to obsess over her as she turns into a cat and offers to give you a signature. And it's too bright and too plastic and the others exchange some more worried looks and you feel your chest drop.

(Landry asks you, at the end of the day, when it's finally quiet and the sky is dark, if you're really okay with it all. He offers help and support but you wave him off with a joke and an offer of coffee. He shares another look with Reese as the shorter boy takes your place at the table.)

(You pretend not to see.)

It works out differently to how you'd expect. You were expecting to be a cat, to spend your days in the cafe, working or reading or chattering away with your coworkers. You expected to end today by walking into your apartment with a few more whiskers, with Mochi yapping away in words you can actually understand and end the rest of your days from tomorrow onwards on four paws. Instead, the day ends with a small book slipped into your pocket and a shimmering bookmark shoved into your hood. Instead of waking up with whiskers and perhaps a more-than-is-healthy hankering for tuna, you wake up with dark circles under your eyes and something that feels a bit like hope in your chest.

(You hold onto the memory of her voice going suddenly, shockingly silent as you read the words 'transformation spells' for the entire morning.)

You don't notice your missing whiskers.

They eye you warily, your coworkers. They make jokes about your under-eye bags and your constant yawning but you don't miss the way there's always someone watching you, the way you're never left alone. Hayes brings you cups and cups of tea and Finley talks about her games and Landry chatters away about nothing. Even Reese's jabs have no bite to them, especially when compared to the way he teases the others. They don't seem to know what's wrong but they want to help.

You don't know how to feel about that.

She won't stop whispering, though. She tells you that they're only nice to bring her out. They don't want you, she claims, they want her. 

You don't know how to feel about that, either. 

But you muddle through. You let her whisper her cruel words in your ear and you let your coworkers try to help. You try to avoid looking towards the front of the cafe, where you’re liable to catch a glimpse of your reflection in the large windows, and you try to avoid being alone with Mason and her knowing glances and uncomfortable silences. 

You try to ignore the way she always seems to fix it so you get food first, and the way she never takes her eyes off of your plate. 

You still don’t eat the food. 

And you go home and you read the book and you practice the spells and you think about belonging. You think about being free, being  _ you _ . You think about how quiet she gets when you make a seed grow or turn a gale into a light breeze. 

(You try to ignore how eager she is when you do the opposite. When you learn how to destroy, when you find spells that want you to use your anger and hate and hurt.) 

(You both know you have plenty of that to spare.)

And you think about power and control and the way this book and this job have given you the option to take all this fucking power and weild it, to bend and shape things however you want.

It doesn't scare you as much as you think it should.

You ignore Reese's calculating glances, the way you see him stiffen on the floor below as you practice small spells on your break, and the way Landry seems to flinch when you walk through the doors in the morning. You think about the curse and Landry's apologetic voice on that second day and the way Reese talked about the contract and the prickling sensation that runs across your shoulders whenever you come close to the cafe. 

You stare at the hexes section of the book and think.

She likes that sort of thinking - you try not to think about that.

And there's this moment when you're walking home and the sun is down and you should feel light and happy and maybe still be laughing at the imagery of Graves in a stupid goth band but instead you feel nothing. Nothingnothingnothing and then-

Power.

You turn and there's a man and he fucking reeks of magic and he's glaring right at you. Your body feels cold and she is deathly quiet as static covers your body. He shifts his weight like he's about to take a step and your eyes flick down to the rust around his feet and you  _ know _ . 

He's smiling when you look back up.

You stare at him for one, two, three seconds more then you turn and walk away and you can feel his eyes following you and, god, do you want to sprint but you're pushing your luck with your back to him, you don't want to make yourself more of a target. And all you can think is stupidstupidstupid and you just want to be at home in bed with your cat and your magic and the book. And it's so so quiet now - she vanished at the sight of him and you hate her hate her hateherhateherhateher but you feel so empty now - so alone. She left you bare and alone to face him - he didn't see her, he saw you and you're so scared of this feeling in your chest. You hate her but you don't know who you are without her - no one knows you, they know her and you want to go home and you don't want to be alone and-

Your head goes quiet and the static recedes. When you risk a glance behind you, the man is gone.

* * *

The book is a comfortable weight on your lap and when you look down you see her fingers turning the pages, her voice in your head whispering to you over and over, making you hold on to your terror and your hurt as she carefully tabs all of the curses and the hexes and the jinxes in the book. Your head is heavy and your heart is empty and there is fear and anger and guilt returning to their comfortable nest in your stomach and she squeezes your hand tight as you begin to whisper the words on the page.

* * *

Graves drops the bike at your approach. You see a bright shimmering substance on his hands and you feel that static again as you get closer to the rusted bike. He stares at you and you force a smile- her smile. You're too round and soft and wide to be you, you know he's seeing her instead. You are. His nose crinkles and his eyes are sad and you know you must be dripping in magic, in power and anger and barely-there control. You see a flash of guilt cross his face and then he's ushering you inside, talking about security and cleaning and responsibilities. He doesn't look you in the eyes once.

Reese and Landry are both on edge the second you walk in. Reese's shoulders are hunched and he won't look at you directly and Landry's smile is so brittle that you're not sure why he bothers pretending. Finley chatters away at you, about Graves and work and opening on her own and it's easy for you to nod along passively. She seems oblivious to what's happening but Landry shoots her a look and she leads you upstairs and then you're not as sure about that as you were. You try not to flinch as Hayes places a teacup on the table in front of you and Finley hurries over to converse with him, shooting not-so subtle glances in your direction as they whisper. Hayes at least looks ashamed. In your hands the teacup feels like it's about to shatter but you look down and her hands are loose and relaxed. You stop looking at your hands. 

Your shift begins and you can feel everyone watching you and she is delighted by it. You want to lie down or scream or go home or just laugh and laugh and laugh but you fix a wide smile on your face and serve customers and wipe down tables and pretend you don't hear Landry and Reese whispering every time your back is turned. If you were a better person - a stronger person - you'd call them out on it. Or you'd pull them aside. You know that you've broken the curse and you know how you've done it and they deserve to know, you know that. God, they hate it, they don't deserve this half-existence - no life outside of this cafe. If she didn't have such a hold over you, you'd tell them. You'd tell Landry and maybe he would smile at you properly again, you'd tell Reese and maybe he'd stop treating you like you're made of glass, you'd tell Graves and then maybe he'd teach you properly. But you keep quiet and work hard and let her laugh and laugh inside your head and you're aware of Graves looking at you from outside as he messes with the wards (does he think you're stupid? He knows that you know and your entire being jolts every time he rearranges the threads of magic around the cafe or draws a new sigil). The bell rings and you seat the new set of customers, your smile bright, even as they stare at you and see her the entire time. She squeezes your chest tight every time they speak to her.

(You have to pick up a new pencil on your way into the kitchen, giving Hayes another plastic smile as he fusses over the splinters embedded into your hand.)

The cafe is empty and you're underneath the building picking up another bag of coffee, just standing in the cold and the silence and you feel lighter. Your chest is still buzzing and you can feel all this power you've amassed leaking into the very building and she's muttering something to you but you just stand there and breathe, eyes shut as you listen to the muted noises in the kitchen and cafe above. Her voice grows quieter as the door creaks open and you slowly open your eyes as the stairs creak as someone walks down. You swallow hard and take a breath and fix a smile back on your face. You turn and lock eyes with Landry, Reese right behind him. There's a long, awkward pause as they look at each other and then there's a rush of noises atop you as they both talk at once. She seems content to stay silent, and when you bend to pick up the bag of beans the hands are your own. Without her nudging you to leave you just stand there, content to listen as they talk about curses and cats and static. You look at them and the beans and the stairs and the closed door and you look down at your hands and at your chest and at your sides and even at your reflection in the curio cabinet and it is then that you realise you are alone. 

You open your mouth once, twice, three times without making a sound. Landry takes a step and his face is so kind and there's worry in his posture and you look behind him and Reese is an exact mirror and then there are tears in your eyes and running down your face and the floor is cracking beneath your feet and you will  _ not stop talking _ and they look so sick as you talk about the man in the alley and the book and the curdled feelings in your gut and your blood freezes and your magic stops flowing and they relax and you realise that it is this power, this fucking awful power that you've tapped into that is making everything taste so sour. And you talk and talk and you need to stop but you can't even as she begins to scream and scream and  _ scream  _ in your ear, even as you talk about the family in the cafe and the splinters in your hand and the long hair in your sink at home and the girl in your reflection and you can't stop talking and you feel like you might break from the force of the words and it reminds you of times spent bent over the toilet and the sink and the shower with your fingers down your throat and it hurts and hurts and you can't stop and then the words run out and you almost collapse from the weight of your confessions as they hang heavy in the air.

There is one, two, three, four, five beats of thick, heavy silence and you can feel your throat burn as she screams in your head. You look at your hands and they are yours and then they are hers and then they are yours again. It takes one, two, three beats for you to realise what you've done, three beats for you to fix your mask back into place. You duck your head and shift the beans in your arms and then the silence is broken and a hand is grabbing your shoulder and you are being yanked into a hug. The bag falls to the floor as you freeze and then you are clinging to his shirt like it's a lifeline - and it is. Reese is saying something behind you and there is a hand on your back as they settle you onto a crate and Landry has carefully extracted himself from your death-tight grip but he's kept an arm companionably around your shoulder (and they are your shoulders this time - narrow and far too pointy for comfort but they're yours) and you both watch Reese as he digs around in boxes against the wall and pulls out books upon books upon books. He looks up and catches your gaze and gives a bashful smile, cheeks flushed, as he holds out one of the books. You recognise the cover from an old friend's bedside table and he turns a brighter shade of red as Landry joins in on your laughter.

You shift in place and they both turn to look at you and god- what a can of worms you've opened now. Their scared, measured glances will have turned to worry and probably fucking pity but you can't bring yourself to care at the minute. Graves is working on the wards and you have your magic and you'll likely be roped into teaching them (or just Landry? You still aren't sure what Reese knows) and she's still lurking in your head and your reflection in the curio cabinet is slightly too soft for your liking but you think you can work with this. So you pick the bag of coffee beans back up and push off Landry as he tries to take them from you and head up the stairs, your smile looking a little more genuine.

Mason just raises her eyebrows at the three of you as you place the bag on the counter. Landry chatters and Reese blushes and you just shrug. She's blunt and gruff but she'll keep it (whatever 'it' is) quiet and she won't mention the tears still drying on your face. She pushes the other two out with a look and quiet grunt and they do as they're told, flashing you quick, encouraging smiles as they do. Mason says nothing, just nods at a steaming cup of tea on the side. It's boiling hot and stronger than what Hayes makes but you smile at her over the rim and just sit and enjoy the quiet.

(You pretend not to notice when they keep you away from customers for the rest of the day.)

And you clean up and divvy up your tips and let Finley's cheerful chatter wash over you as you sip at one of the endless cups of tea that Hayes has pushed into your hands. Landry and Reese are having another one of their private conversations and she whispers to you about how much they hate you after what happened in the basement but then Landry looks up at you and gives you another one of those smiles and she falls silent. Then everything has been washed and cleaned and put away and you're standing outside the cafe and it's dark and you can feel your heart in your throat. You have all this power now, you're dripping with it and you could flood the entire city with this feeling if you really wanted to but all you can think about is that rusty bike and everything feels so far away and you can feel coldness seeping into your bones but then something brushes against your ankle and you look down and the Maine Coon and the bobtail - Landry and Reese - are looking up at you and your pulse gradually slows down. You give them a shaky smile and head on your way and your whole body feels light as they keep close to you, arguing good-naturedly over what to have for dinner. As Reese argues the merits of Thai food you glance over at Landry who is, in turn, looking fondly at the bobtail. Your face warms and you look away as you place orders for Thai and pizza. 

* * *

Your apartment is so loud and cheerful and even Mochi (who glared at the two pseudo-cats for smelling like humans but looking like cats and for being allowed to eat pizza and Thai and sit on the counters) looks slightly less grumpy than usual. And they say nothing about the way your apartment looks unnaturally, obsessively clean or about the card stuck on all of the reflective surfaces or about the way the curtains were already pulled tight when they came in. They exchange quick, worried glances at the way you pick carefully at the pizza, but they keep quiet about that too. And some of your smiles are still forced but they're lighter, at least, and you enjoy yourself as you show them little tricks from the book. Even Landry, who looked sick at the prospect of learning magic, looks enthralled as the small sapling sprouts from the seed in your hand and Reese, who is apparently Graves' apprentice, looks impressed as you turn the loud wind outside into a soft breeze. And Reese smugly tells the two of you what he knows and promises to show you in the morning and even Landry opens up a little, talking about a spell that makes you undetectable. He won't say anything else about it, but Reese seems to know more about it than you do. You keep quiet and you swear you hear her giggle in your ear but you square your shoulders and ask your next question slightly louder and she doesn't make another sound for the rest of the night.

* * *

You're in the cafe for five and Landry looks so much more comfortable once he's changed back and you grin at him as the three of you shout your greetings to Mason and he smiles back and then you're both turning towards Reese expectantly. He gets this smug look on his face and puffs up his chest as he goes outside to set up as Landry disappears upstairs. You hover around the cats until Landry returns and smiles fondly as he balances three cups in his hands. He apologises about the tea and you roll your eyes as you head outside (after taking a sip, you realise he was right to apologise). Reese waves you over to a section of blank wall and uncaps a marker. He demonstrates the trick and you applaud as the creature takes a few shaky steps. It's not strong but you still feel a tingle across your spine and he manages an expression of both pride and worry so you smile and tell him you're impressed and he makes a boast and everything feels right.

And that is, of course, when everything goes to shit.

You head back inside and Mason makes breakfast and the day starts and everything's fine and then there's a wizard. The second the door opens you freeze up at the feeling of his magic and across the floor Landry does the same. He's talking and talking but it just passes you by, you're staring at Landry and he looks… scared, almost and his breathing suddenly seems so deliberate and you go to take a step, towards Landry or the boy, you don't know, but then Reese is there with his chest puffed up and his marker in hand and you share another look with Landry. Reese checks you both over and your cheeks warm when you realise he's concerned and then he heads back out and you rush to the window and try to ignore her smirking face out of the corner of your eye. Landry hovers next to you and you blink and the next thing you know, the boy is being led away and Reese is all hunched over and he slinks inside and up the stairs, all the way up to where you know Graves' apartment is and you lock eyes with Landry and you both head upstairs, ignoring Finley's nattering in the background.

And you're in Graves' apartment and it's so clean but your focus is on the cat tree by the window. You hear a series of sniffles and you seat yourself on the sofa next to Landry and wait. You wait and worry and wait some more until he slinks out, small ears flat, and turns back into a human. You shift aside and he sits between the two of you and you sit in silence until he clears his throat and begins to talk in this small, embarrassed voice. He talks about his father and Graves and magic and it's stilted and blunt but you squeeze his hand (you don't remember when you grabbed it but you're glad you did) and he seems to relax. He talks and talks until the words run out and then you wrap him in your arms and he buries his face into your shoulder for a few, long beats, until he pulls away, swiping at his eyes and griping about how bony your shoulder is with no venom in his voice. You smile at him then up at Landry, who looks conflicted. He catches your gaze and sighs and then he's talking too. And you and Reese sit there silently as he talks about the bar and the boy and the fight and the curse and you've got one of his larger hands in yours and he's holding on like he never wants to let go. When he's done he looks at you both and his shoulders are slumped and Reese is looking murderous and you thought he knew but he shakes his head at you so you keep your mouth shut. He makes a quip about dueling the boy and you say something about closure and Landry just smiles at you both so gratefully and you don't know where to look and your face feels hot but you glance at Reese and he's in the same boat as you so he can't give you grief about it. Landry gently pulls his hand from yours and he reaches forwards and you can feel Reese staring at you as Landry's hands stop just above your cheekbone. He smiles and gently tucks a strand of hair behind your ear and you know he can feel how hot your face is as he trails his finger down your cheek and then his hands are on his coffee mug and your face is tingling and the only sign anything happened is the dull red flush creeping above his collar. Reese raises an eyebrow at you and you stick out your tongue in response. He mutters something about you being immature and you stand to go back downstairs. You squeeze his hand again and duck forwards to press your lips to his hairline. His face flushes red and you hear Landry snickering into his mug. You shoot him a smile on your way out and spend the rest of your shift feeling giddy and trying to avoid Finley's probing questions.

All is fine and all is good and you head home that evening once again tailed by two cats and you spend the evening running through spells and cooing over Reese when he starts to purr and trying to ignore Mochi's pitiful meows as the two cats eat the food that he isn't allowed to. And you wake up and your heart is light but then you turn to look and there's only Reese curled up on the armrest. You search for Landry in every room and Reese joins in but he's nowhere to be found and you can hear her whispering again and she gets louder and louder until Reese nudges his head into your ankles and everything snaps back into place. He nods at your opened window and you relax.

Except Landry isn't at work. Mason shrugs when you ask and you check Graves' landline for any missed calls and now even Reese looks worried but he squares his shoulders with mock confidence as you talk through where he could be. You look at Graves' neat coffee table and perfect square sofas and think about what happened yesterday. And then you think some more. And then you turn to Reese and tell him and he thinks about it too and then you're both racing down the stairs and out the front doors, shouting something about trying to be back later. 

And you search for most of the morning. You go to your apartment and nearby stores and every bar you can think of and neither of you know where Landry lives but you head in the direction you both think you've seen him go and that's when you see the tail. And you shout and Reese runs over and he looks startled at the sight of you both before his shoulders slump. He tells you about his search and dowsing and you both insist on helping. And he refuses, completely refuses, but you both bully him into it and it's nearly evening when you find the boy but you find him. And he's snarky and rude and not at all sorry and you're gearing up for a fight as he looks you over with disdainful eyes and that's when Landry snaps. There's a flash and you hear the windows shatter as you grab Reese and hold him close to your chest and Landry is  _ human _ but he's shouting and the boy is crying and your heart is pounding in your chest and Reese is shaking in your arms. You take a breath and step closer, shouting and shouting to try and get Landry's attention and it  _ works _ and he calms down and the boy runs off and Landry is human. He's ashamed and worried but human. And there's glass under your feet but you step closer and pull him into a hug, mindful of the bobtail in your arms. 

And you go straight to your apartment and Landry is human and Reese is so so quiet and snappy and sad and you share a look with Landry and he slowly talks about how he felt right before the curse broke. You nudge Reese into talking about his magic and then you talk about his parents and his interests and he looks a little happier but he's still not any closer to breaking it but he at least seems glad that Landry has and his eyes are so much brighter as he watches him practice spells and you sit back and your heart feels full as you watch the two of them.

* * *

You keep it quiet at work but in your downtime the three of you discuss how to break everyone else's curse and you hope they're not all the same but mostly you just hope it's possible. And Reese is looking annoyed and you turn to him, concerned, and he glares at a rip in the sleeve of your hoodie. You laugh and say something about the glass the day before and Landry looks so guilty and you turn to reassure him but Reese has his hands out and is asking for your hoodie. Your good mood vanishes and you pull it tighter around her shoulders with her hands as you go cold all over. Landry half-reaches towards you and Reese begins to apologise but you force a smile and shrug it off of her shoulders and place it on the table. And Landry looks so so worried but you shake them off and they both look like they're about to say something but the bell rings and you push the chair back a little louder than is necessary as you stand and head downstairs.

And, god, she's so loud now and your arms feel so bare and when you serve the family it feels like they're looking into your soul. You can feel the shirt against your skin and you can't stop pulling at it, trying to hide any hint of a shape. You think back to the book and to Graves and to magic and you wonder. You wonder if you can get rid of her, if you can rip any semblance of shape from your body.

The day ends and Reese never returns downstairs but Landry does and you're so aware of all of his concerned glances and the way he slips in front of you whenever the door opens or when Finley comes looking for you. You clean the tables and you feel bare and you wave goodbye to Finley and you shiver. Landry puts an arm around you as you walk upstairs and you roll your eyes up at him, even as your cheeks flush red. 

And you go up and up, all the way to Graves' apartment and Reese is there and he holds out your hoodie and your eyes widen. It looks good as new but the surprise comes from the feeling radiating off of it. You feel warm all over and you shrug it on and raise an eyebrow at Reese - feeling warm and comfortable and safe. His cheeks turn pink and he mutters something about enchanted thread and incantations and you smile. The hoodie feels like home and you step forwards and yank Reese into a tight hug. He huffs at you when you pull away but he looks proud and pleased and Landry looks so fond and that look is almost enough to knock you over. And so you swallow hard and muster up your courage and grab him by his shoulders and pull him down into a kiss. His hands are so so gentle on your shoulders as he leans down into it and you hear a strangled noise behind you from Reese. And Landry pulls away and there's a dull flush creeping up from underneath his collar and your face is so fucking hot but you smile at him and he smiles back and you are just so fucking glad. 

And you turn to Reese and his face is red and his shoulders are hunching so you roll your eyes at him and duck your head so you can press your lips to his. And Landry laughs behind you as you pull away and Reese stutters and your smile is so wide that you think your face might split in two. And you pull them both into a hug and Landry squeezes you tight before bending down to pull Reese into a kiss and you are just so so fucking happy for once. 

And then you're holding Landry's hand as Reese locks up the cafe. You head towards your apartment and you are one, two, three steps outside the cafe grounds when Reese stops. You turn to him and he stares at you then takes another step forwards. And another and another and another and then he spins around and laughs so fucking loud and you're hugging him again and all three of you are laughing and laughing and you're pressing kisses to his face as the three of you cheer. You grab his hand right as Landry lets go of yours and he says something about finishing up some ramps for the cats and Reese rolls his eyes because he literally  _ just locked up and couldn't you have said something before?  _ Landry smiles and gives both of you a quick kiss as he heads back inside and you squeeze Reeses's hand as you head home.

And you're at the last side street before your apartment when Reese lets go of your hand too and you pull a face at him and he mutters something about wanting to walk you home, his face red. You laugh at him and pull him into a kiss before playfully shoving him away. You feel him watching you walk away before he turns to head back in the direction you came from.

Your apartment building is just coming into view and your heart is full and your face is warm when you feel it. This cold, harsh static begins to creep along your body and you stand stock still. You feel anger begin to bubble in your stomach and you hold it tight - just in case. There's footsteps on your right and then the man from that night in the alley is back and he's smirking and you know he knows how you feel and he's asking about the cafe and Graves and then his smirk turns cold and predatory and you turn tail and run. You're sprinting down the road and all you can hear is your feet pounding against the asphalt and your own thundering heartbeat and you're considering turning around to look for him when your left foot suddenly stops moving and you fall down flat. Your hands scrape across the ground and when you lift them up they come away wet with blood. Your ankle feels twisted and you turn to see the man coming closer and closer, pace slow and unconcerned. He's talking and talking and all you can concentrate on is the anger and pain churning in the pit in your stomach. You look for her, for a moment, in your hands and legs and heart, but she's not there and you realise it's all you. He's stopped talking and is staring at you, nose curling as the sour cocktail of magic made from your bitterness and hurt washes over him. There's a new glint in his eye as he croons over your power - offers to teach you, as long as you get him what he wants. You twist and shape this hurt, dark feeling and he stops talking. His grip loosens on his bat as he stares at you. You want him gonegonegone and you want to be home and you want all of this to just go away. He looks sick as your thoughts twist in with the magic fucking seeping out of you and a deep, cruel part of you wonders how far you can push this, how much you can make him hurt.

There's a voice behind you and your magic evaporates. The man straightens up, forcing a cocky smirk back into place as Graves steps into view. And then he's freeing your leg and checking you over and he's still hesitant to meet your eyes but his smile is kind, at least. He helps you to your feet and takes your hands and you feel this sudden surge of power flowing into you. He smiles again and he looks so fucking sorry as he lets go and then he's turning back to the man - Nacht - and they're fighting and you're running again, towards the cafe, your ankle screaming at you the entire time. 

The lights are on and you think you might cry. You can see Landry through the window and Reese just past the cafe. You look between the two but at least Landry is inside and safe so you keep running until you can't run anymore and you're fucking screaming Reese's name and he hasn't heard you so you scream and scream and he turns and his eyes are wide as he runs towards you and he grabs onto you and props you up as you hurry back to the cafe and he's asking and asking and asking but all you can do is shake and Landry's coming out of the cafe and you can't help the pathetic yelp that escapes you as he scoops you up and carries you inside, Reese following just behind. They set you down and are immediately fussing around you. You swallow hard and take one, two, three deep breaths and then you screw your eyes shut and tell them everything. You tell them about walking back with Reese and Nacht and the feeling of his magic and running and twisting your ankle and Graves saving you and him Giving everything to you and them fighting and running again. Reese goes very, very still and his mouth is a thin line as he stares at you and he looks so so betrayed and your blood goes cold and then Landry very tentatively says his name and Reese shakes his head but you stare and stare and his voice is so small and sad when he asks if it's true, if Graves really Gave it to you and you squeeze his hands and you promise him over and over that you'll Give it back but he flashes a tight smile at you and shakes his head and then he's standing and asking where they were and you pause. He looks so desperate and you glance at Landry and he looks the same so you tell them and Reese nods and you feel yourself start to shake again. You can't go run all the way back there and you hear yourself begging them not to go, it's not safe, you don't want to be alone. Landry looks between the two of you but Reese just looks at you. He pulls you to your feet and takes your hand and you take Landry's and then Reese is dragging something across the air and all the breath leaves your lungs as he reaches into the rip and  _ pulls.  _ And he steps in and yanks the two of you with him and your vision is filled with bright, blinding white and then you're back in the alley. Reese lets go of your hand. Landry doesn't. And then there's this awful keening sound and you turn and your heart drops.

It's Graves and he's just lying there and he's covered in that awful rust and just being near it makes you go cold all over. The air begins to crackle and you look at Landry and you swear you can see sparks coming off of him as he looks at Graves. There's a laugh behind you and then Nacht is there again and he's so fucking smug as he goads Reese and threatens you. And you reach forwards and grab his hand and don't let go and he shakes and shakes but you keep your voice soft as you talk him down and Landry is a comforting presence at your back and Nacht is just standing there, smirking and staring and smirking some more. He steps forwards and he's holding his bat and you tense up as he looks you dead in the eyes. His voice is soft as he goads you, trying to bribe you with offers of power and lessons and information and he talks about how you felt when you fell, what you did and you feel Landry tense slightly as Reese spins around. He looks at you and grabs your hand as he digs the seam ripper through the air again and pulls you both in. 

Nacht's taunts follow the three of you through.

You collapse on the sofa as the three of you land back into the cafe. Reese makes this soft hiccuping sound and swipes a hand across his face. You carefully pull him next to you and let him bury his face into your shoulder as his whole body shakes. Landry smiles weakly at the two of you and heads to the door, likely to lock it. It bursts open as he reaches it and you sit up straight, ready to fight. It's Finley and she's human and the curse is broken and she's talking and talking and talking and you just want to cry. Graves is dead, probably, and it's your fault and but, hey, at least you helped break everyone's curses, right? Fuck. 

Everyone is in the cafe and everyone is talking and shouting as Landry tries to explain what happened and Reese is shouting about vengeance. Everyone is looking at you and you say something about teaching them all magic and your heart isn't really in it but Landry and Reese are looking at you with so much confidence so you force a smile and make yourself repeat it again with more conviction. Landry says something about you being a target and Finley ducks out before you can blink to grab Mochi and the book. Mason is doing something noisy in the kitchen as Hayes heads upstairs and Landry and Reese are each pressing a kiss to your forehead as they head out - to grab Graves apparently. You don't know what to do and your head feels so full and you sit there quietly as Mason comes back in and Hayes carefully wraps your ankle. You give him a weak smile and he gives one back and Mason is standing sentry at the door so you let your eyes slip shut.

* * *

The bell rings and you sit up straight but it's Finley with the book and a cat carrier and you feel your lips curve into a smile as she sets it down in front of you and a disgruntled meow can be heard from inside. You unlock the carrier and Mochi sprints out and then just sits there, confused, as the two of you laugh at him. You pass the book from hand to hand as Finley takes pictures of the cats and almost drop it on the floor when you see two figures approaching. Your smile grows a little wider when you see that stupid hat and you watch as they place Graves - or, what used to be Graves - on the ground in front of the cafe and carefully strip a layer of shimmering magic from their hands. They head inside and tell you all to avoid the statue and they're so serious but they're smiling at you and heading over to sit next to you and waving the others over as you open the book and begin to read.

And it takes far, far too long. They're all loud and nervous and fidgeting so in the end you put down the book and give up. Landry gives you this almost pitying look that makes you shift in place and Reese gives you a wry, almost apologetic smile, even as he shouts at the others to herd all of the cats into the basement. Finley and Mason do as instructed and you hear the coffee maker whirring on the next floor. Reese blushes and ducks forwards to peck your cheek before straightening up and heading outside for the first guard shift. You watch him go and exchange a nervous look with Landry. He flashes you a weak smile and gives you a kiss on the forehead, then he's ducking outside to talk to Reese. You watch them talk and your eyes begin to slip shut as you see them glance in to look at you. You fall into a doze at the sound of their voices, and by the time they're quiet, you're already fast asleep.

* * *

You jolt awake as a paw hits into your stomach. You carefully extract yourself from the pile of cats, your gaze slipping to the window as you do. You freeze at the sight of the empty street and turn to see Mason standing at the window, arms crossed. You hear voices upstairs and jerk your head up, only to see Finley and Hayes talking quietly over coffee. You don't see Landry or Reese anywhere. You ask Mason but she is entirely unhelpful, her mind-my-own-business attitude apparently carries over to life-or-death situations too. Your mind is racing as you shove your shoe back on your still-smarting ankle and rush out the door. You hear Finley's voice shouting after you as the door swings shut. 

You race down the street, scanning the ground for any tell-tale spots of rust. You get all the way back to your apartment and there's nothing, just the leftover signs of Nacht and Graves' fight. Your heartbeat slows as you make your way back to the cafe. They must have just gone for supplies and you know if they get back and you're not there they'll go back out and get themselves killed. You shake your head half-fondly at the thought and the cafe is just coming into view when you hear a loud, cut-off shout. You swing round and Landry is there and his eyes are wide as he catches sight of you. You look behind him and Reese is there, bent over and winded. You don't spot any rust creeping on him so you leave him be and turn back to Landry in time to see him punch Nacht straight in the jaw. It makes you wince but Nacht just seems even more amused and as Landry winds back for another punch he grabs his fist. You're running towards him before you realise it and you're reaching for him but he pushes you away and you look, you properly look, and your heart sinks as you see that his hand is rusted into a fist. He forces a smile at you as you try to push the tears away and you beg and beg and wish you could fucking  _ will _ the rust away. He grits his teeth and you realise what that must feel like to him and you try to tone it down as he mutters something about electrolytes and electricity and you're hurrying over to the vending machine before he's even finished talking and Reese is still hunched over by it and he gives you a shaky smile and Nacht is bearing on you with this ferocious grin and you don't know what to do. Reese looks between Landry and you and the rust and the fear on your face and pushes in front of you, tearing through the air again with his seam ripper. He goes to grab a thread when Nacht points his bat at him and suddenly rust is blooming over his chest like a wound and he looks so so fucking scared and you use your magic to fucking  _ smash _ the glass of the machine. You toss the sports drinks to Landry and he pulls a face but tips them over his head and-

Oh.

You shake your head and try to will your blush away. There could not be a worse time to be thinking about wet t-shirts. Landry suddenly freezes and shouts at you and your eyes are wide and you turn to see Nacht looming over you. His smile is cruel and he's talking about the cafe and a contract transfer and Landry and Reese are shouting and you can't move. And then there's a crackle of electricity and you turn and Landry looks  _ pissed _ . Static surrounds him and his eyes are narrowed and his hands are fists and he looks fit to kill. He catches sight of Reese as the rust creeps up his neck and he does something with his magic and the rust stops and then recedes and it's like it was never there. 

You run over to Reese as he catches his breath and you both watch Landry advance on Nacht, who still looks amused but it's looking more and more like worry as Landry's magic and rage washes over him. Reese lets go of you and you see a flash of metal as he pulls his seam ripper back out and Landry is still moving and Nacht is starting to back away, coming closer and closer to where the two of you are sitting. Reese swallows hard and makes a new rip and fucking tears it open. And Landry sees and smiles and right as Nacht is in front of it, Landry fucking lunges and grabs him by the throat. The two of you freeze and then you feel this awful tingle, like pins-and-needles over your whole body and you watch as Nacht's bat falls from his hand and he goes so so so fucking pale and you  _ feel _ his fucking godawful magic just dissapate and then Landry lets him go and Nacht stumbles backwards into the rip. Reese lets go and it closes and the three of you stand there, staring at the space where Nacht once was. 

There's just silence and silence and your voice is quiet as you ask where he's been sent and Reese tells you that he's nowhere. Just stuck in between. And you don't say anything for one, two, three long beats and then a throat clears behind you and the three of you turn to see Graves slowly brushing bits of rust off of his person as he stands and he gives you this sad, proud smile and you just stare at him, for a moment, and then Reese is running over and he almost bowls Graves over as he grabs onto him and you give a fond half-smile. Landry catches your hand in his and squeezes tight and then Reese lets go of Graves and smiles widely at the two of you and you catch tears in his eyes but he looks so so happy, even as Graves asks him to let Nacht out.

(Which you do, in the end. He takes a look at the four of you, makes some cryptic comments and disappears without a trace.)

(No wonder him and Graves were close.)

And then it's over and it's finished and you're sitting in Reese's _ very nice _ apartment and there's a movie playing quietly in the background and you're pretty much on top of Landry and Reese has an arm thrown over your chest and all of your legs are tangled together and it's way too hot for this but you don't really want to leave. They're asleep and Reese makes a little whining sound as you slowly extract yourself from the two of them. Your heart is filled with fondness as you look down at them and you're still smiling when you get a drink of water and you're still smiling when you head into the bathroom to splash water on your face. 

"I am Avery Grey." you say.

And when you look into the mirror it's your own face reflected back at you. 

**Author's Note:**

> if you actually read this fic, thank you :) (I can't believe I wrote a 10,000 word fic in <6 hours for a half-dead fandom rip)
> 
> god, so, like, I'm just going to dump a bunch of things here:  
> 1\. this started off as a ~500 word writing dash/vent fic thing that I became obsessed with and couldn't stop writing  
> 2\. I wrote ~3,000 words on thursday, ~3,000 words on friday and the rest yesterday  
> 3\. the only reasonable stopping point was ~800 words in (after getting the job) which is why this has been posted in full  
> 4\. this absolutely doesn't fit the criteria for a 'happy hustle cat fic' that I mentioned  
> 5\. I was not planning for my little vent fic to become a monster of a canon retelling (nor was I planning for my guilty pleasure ship - avery/landry/reese - to make an appearance (I‘ve been planning happier fics for the three of them for over a year now but... whatever))  
> 6\. the 'editing' was a spell check, a formatting check and a read-through (I also had to fully _hunt_ for places to put the line breaks)  
> 7\. I apologise for the second person and run-on sentences - it's my favourite/the easiest way to write  
> 8\. uhhh... sorry if the second person vs. she/her pronouns are confusing. basically, when I use she/her (and it's not talking about finley or mason (I tried to make it obvious which was which)) it's the personification of avery's dysphoria (avery is afab nb)
> 
> [tumblr](http://chiapet4357.tumblr.com/)   
>  [twitter](http://twitter.com/chiapet4357/)


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